DUNIA PANGGUNG SANDIWARA

Hello,

Been a while...but, here I am again.

Ye la...sebelum aku di fire sebab tak update kan blog, lebih baik aku update kan dulu. Tapi...I wonder, orang2 yang suka fire tu dah update ke belum..? Aku tulis pun bukan kerana takut...I don't make decisions based on fear...fear is only in your head...

Behind all the tears, there is smile, behind all the fear there is sunshine...

Nothing much has changed since my last entry...except everything is a bit less hectic. Things seem to have settled down to its usual boring routine...nothing special, just the usual everyday nightmare...of teaching and studying and trying to avoid my boss at all time...not so easy, that one...

There's the issue of Kelab Orator, aka Kelab Penukir Ilmu. I have mixed feelings about this, so I will just keep my opinions to myself...aku takkan menyebelahi mana-mana pihak...community cyber atau community alam nyata...cuma aku harap, jangan luka yang kecil sampai dicemari virus hingga melarat menjadi gangrene...

Oh ya, I had an interview with my present boss, Pn Shikin and my previous boss, Prof Jalil regarding my Penilaian prestasi... where they give us marks based on our performance each year. I waited for 30 minutes and the interview lasted for less than 10...sad case isn't it? They didn't even tell me my marks...the only thing they asked was 'what were your achievements in 2007.' So I rattled on about my studies, debates and muet...maybe it'll get me 0.5 % more...but I don't think so...they have already decided on the marks...the interview was just a formality after all...lakunan semata-mata...

So..I wonder...apa motive interview ni? Kalau objectivenya untuk memberitahu markah yang aku dapat...mereka tak beritahu pun...kalau untuk menilai pun, tak tercapai sebab before the interview pun mereka dah decide on how much to give...kalau setakat untuk decide whether nak tambah 0.5%, aku rasa tak perlu...tak tambah pun tak apa, aku tak kisah pun...semua yang aku buat bukannya untuk dapatkan 0.5% tu...plus I really hate interviews. I hate having to promote and sell myself...and for what? If I deserve a high mark, then give it to me, if I don't, then don't give...apa masalahnya...kalau tanya 'how much do you think we should give you...' of course aku akan jawab 100%...nak beri ke...?

Sering aku bertanya......siapakah aku untuk mengatakan yang aku berhak memiliki kebahagiaan, kekayaan, kepandaian, kecantikan, kesempurnaan, dsb...
namun, sebenarnya...... siapakah aku untuk mengatakan yang aku tidak berhak...?

Don't get me wrong. I love my work. I love teaching...mainly because I don't like my life to be too orderly, and teaching is unpredictable. I don't think I could survive working 9 to 5 shuffling papers in an office or dealing with inanimate machines in a factory every single day...that would get me into Tanjung Rambutan faster than Schumacher could drive.

I remember my lecturer asking each of us 'what is the most difficult thing about being a teacher or lecturer?'

For me, its not the subject matter, neither is it the actual act of teaching. Nope. The most difficult thing about being a teacher is having to perform...dunia ini, panggung sandiwara...kan?.. walau pun ceritanya tak lah sehebat kisah Mahabrata atau tragedi dari Yunani...its all about performing...in class, in front of the students...if I woke up in the morning wishing that everyone was dead, before going into class, I have to summon all the positive vibes in my body and greet the students with a million dollar smile...lihatlah dunia...aku anak wayang! It's exhausting sometimes... Occupational hazard I would say. People tend to forget that teachers are human too...still, I do my best...whether they succeed is entirely in their hands.

I am not an idealist, anti-capitalist, anti-establishment. I am none of those, and I am all of those.

However, no matter how busy I say I am, I always make sure I find the time to stop and smell the flowers, listen to the sounds of birds singing, or go jogging in the evening...kata busy, tapi ada masa untuk buat semua tu...? They might seem small and insignificant to most...even a waste of time...time is money? Call me a romantic fool, I don't care...these are the things that keep me from hitting the bottom of the pit of depression and will always keep me going...but hey...lain padang lain belalang...kan? See ya.

Selamat Menyambut Awal Muharram, 1429.

Sometimes, it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

tidak ku harap bulan di awan...

jatuh ke riba menjadi teman...